


Heavily Broken

by elbeen



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elbeen/pseuds/elbeen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post season 2 finale. Izzie-centric, but involves most of the others as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heavily Broken

**Author's Note:**

> This was written after the season 2 finale, which I guess was in 2006. The title song “Heavily Broken” is by The Veronicas and the song lyrics in the story (it’ll make sense once you get to that part!) is called “Be Strong” by Delta Goodrem.

**_“Heavily Broken”_**  

_I'm heavily broken_  
 _And I don't know what to do_  
 _Can't you see that I'm choking_  
 _And I can't even move_  
 _When there's nothing left to say_  
 _What can you do_  
 _I'm heavily broken_  
 _And there's nothing I can do_  
  
 _Almost giving up on trying_  
 _Almost heading for a fall_  
 _And now my mind is screaming out_  
 _I've gotta keep on fighting_  
 _But then again_  
 _It doesn't end_  


Izzie, looking like a princess who had just lost her prince, walked slowly down the staircase and out the doors of Seattle Grace, escorted by George and Alex. Once she reached the parking lot she froze and just stared. None of this felt real and as the wind blew harshly against her face, she realized she didn’t even remember how she had gotten to the hospital.

“Izzie?” George asked softly.

She turned her head towards him in response.

“Come on, let’s go home. Alex is gonna drive.”

He touched her shoulder, gently leading her in the direction of Alex’s car.

Before allowing herself to move she took one last look at the hospital. It no longer seemed like the happy, gossip-filled place she worked, but instead it was now replaced by an unfamiliar building; one that represented sadness and death. Tears once again began cascading down her cheeks as she turned to follow Alex. The sudden fall of rain seemed entirely appropriate for how everyone was feeling that evening.

* * *

Back inside Seattle Grace, Dr. Bailey, the Chief, and Addison were deep in discussion about the situation with Denny and their concern about Izzie’s future.

“Chief, we can’t let her quit,” Bailey insisted.

“If she were to come back there would have to be some kind of consequences,” he pointed out. “With that said, I do agree with you and I’m sure we can work something out.”

“That’s if she even wants to come back,” Addison interjected. “She’s hurting, she just lost her fiancé. I can imagine the pain she must be feeling. I hope she comes back, but I just think it may take some time and persuasion.”

The others nodded in agreement.

“For now, Miranda, you’ll just be an intern short. We’ll get someone to help out if needed, but I don’t want to replace Stevens until we’re sure we can’t get her back.”

 

* * *

 Out in the hallway Meredith, Finn, and Derek were standing, unintentionally, in a triangle. The symbolism of the triangle nearly made Meredith laugh. On another night she may have laughed at it, but not tonight. Not the night she cheated on Finn. Not the night she had sex with Derek in an exam room, with his wife only a few rooms away. Not the night Denny died.

‘Izzie,’ she thought.

“I-I have to go. Izzie needs me.”

She turned and hurried down the stairs, hearing each of them call her name once more.

The two men stood there, unsure of what to do next. They looked at each other, then at the staircase, and back at each other.

Addison walked out of the office and in to the hallway. She could sense the tension.

She cleared her throat, breaking the silence and grabbing their attention.

“Ready Derek?”

He took one more glance at the stairs and Finn. “Yea.”

“Goodnight Dr. Dandridge,” Addison called as they walked away. She was still unaware of what had happened there a few moments earlier.

“Goodnight Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd,” he replied, clearly only directing his comment at Addison.

* * *

Meredith pulled into her driveway a few minutes after Alex’s car had. She hurried inside and straight up to Izzie’s room, where she found George waiting outside the door.

“Alex is trying to get her to talk, or at least change into something more comfortable,” George said, before Meredith had a chance to speak. “She didn’t say anything the whole ride home. She just stared out the window.”

Meredith nodded with a serious expression on her face. “Can I see her?”

George shrugged, but then knocked on her door. “Alex, Mer’s here. Can we come in?”

“Yea I guess,” he called through the door.

Upon entering the room, Meredith saw Izzie and Alex sitting on the bed. Izzie was still dressed in her prom gown and silently staring at the rain on the window she she assumed Alex hadn’t succeeded in either task.

“Izzie?” Meredith spoke softly, walking towards the bed.

“Iz?” She tried again after getting no response.

She put her hand on her friend’s shoulder and Izzie flinched, but didn’t say anything. Meredith and George joined Alex and Izzie on the bed and the four of them sat in silence for a while.

Surprisingly, Izzie was the one who broke the silence. She tore her eyes away from the window to look at her friends. “It wasn’t supposed to rain today.” Her voice seemed hallow, devoid of its usual enthusiasm. “They never get the forecast right.” She laughed a fake laugh that continued as she spoke. “This wasn’t supposed to happen, none of it…we were gonna get married, we were supposed to be happy. Instead, he died an hour after he proposed.”

The laughing turn into crying and a minute later she was sobbing on Alex’s shoulder for the second time that night.

George was gently rubbing her back as Alex held her and Meredith squeezed her hand for support.

After a few minutes Izzie sat up and began to wipe her tears. “Thanks, guys. But I just want to be alone right now.”

None of them moved.

“Please,” she continued, “I’ll be okay. I just want to sleep right now.”

“Okay, but we’re here if you need us,” Meredith said.

“Yea, even if we’re sleeping,” George added jokingly, trying to lighten the mood, but it didn’t work.

“Can I crash here tonight?” Alex asked after they left the room.

“Sure. The couch in the room next to Izzie’s pulls out into a bed.”

The phone rang just after Meredith had gotten into bed.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Mer? It’s me.”

‘Oh great, Derek, the other train wreck situation of the night,’ she thought.

“Uh-huh.”

“I, we, uh, Addison and I just wanted to see how Izzie’s doing.”

“How would you feel if your life was turned upside down?” she snapped. “I mean it’s hard enough about Denny’s death, but she quit her job Derek. She did something illegal. How do you fix that?” She sighed.

“I-“

She cut him off, “This whole night was a disaster. None of this was supposed to happen!”

Derek didn’t want to talk about what happened between the two of them in the exam room earlier.

“I…have an early surgery tomorrow. I have to go, sorry. Good night.”

“Good night Derek.”

About an hour later everyone at the interns’ residence was quiet; it appeared that they were all asleep. Except for Izzie. She was still wide awake. She hadn’t yet changed out of her dress. Izzie quietly left her bedroom and went in to the kitchen with the intention of baking. However, while she was looking for some cooking oil she found an unopened bottle of tequila.

Drowning her sorrows in alcohol seemed like a good idea at the moment. After all, Meredith had done it enough times that no one could fault her for doing it just once. She opened the bottle and started drinking.

After drinking nearly three-quarters of the bottle, she was drunk. And Izzie wasn’t a sad or angry drunk; she was a happy drunk. The change in her mood made her want to continue baking; a layer cake, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and fudge. She gathered all the ingredients and started heating up the oven.

Cooking while drunk is obviously not the best idea, but Izzie was so familiar with baking that she was sure there would be no problem. She grabbed a piece of paper and started making a list of things she’d need from the grocery store the next day. She decided to make herself some soothing tea while baking, so she lit a flame on the stove and started to boil some water.

The oven beeped, signaling that it had reached 350 degrees. Izzie spun around, creating a breeze on the counter, and grabbed the brownie tray. She put it in the oven and then she saw what had happened. Her grocery list was blown into the flame under the tea kettle and had caught on fire.

“Okay breathe,” she whispered to herself. “Just get water and a towel.”

She grabbed a glass of water and couldn’t find a towel so she settled on a paper towel. If she had been sober she would’ve realized that paper towels catch fire, but in her drunken state she wasn’t thinking clearly. She tried to fan the small fire with the paper towel, but obviously that caught too and escalated the flames.

The smoke alarm went off, waking everyone upstairs. Izzie didn’t know what to do. The “happy drunk” effect had worn off and she stepped away form the stove, covering her ears. She sank to the floor by the sink, her dress puddling around her.

Meredith, George, and Alex came running down the stairs. They’d looked for Izzie in both her room and the bathroom and were beginning to worry. They found her on the floor in the kitchen, just a few feet away from the flames.

“Izzie, come on, get away from there!” George called.

She didn’t move.

“O’Malley, get the flames,” Alex directed.

George ran for the small fire extinguisher Meredith kept in the closet, “because she was such a terrible cook,” she had explained to him once before.

Alex ran towards Izzie and once again lifted her up and carried her to the living room.

She felt numb.

George had successfully put out the minor fire and now came in to the living room.

“Izzie, what the hell were you doing?” he asked in a harsh tone.

“I was baking,” she answered quietly, tears filling her eyes.

It was then that Alex saw the near-empty bottle of tequila. “Izzie, were you drinking?” he accused, pointing to the bottle on the counter.

She looked down and then gave a tiny nod, ashamed of what she’d done.

“Izzie!” Meredith scolded. “That bottle was full yesterday.”

“I know,” she replied, barely audible. The tears began to escape from her eyes again. She suddenly got up and ran up the stairs.

Meredith sighed.

“Maybe we were kinda harsh,” George suggested.

The others nodded.

“I’m gonna go check on her,” Alex stated. “Why don’t you guys go back to bed?”

“Okay, thanks Alex,” Meredith commented and George nodded in agreement.

The three of them headed upstairs. Alex didn’t find Izzie in her room, but he heard sobbing coming from the bathroom so he walked in without knocking.

Izzie had her hear over the toilet, emptying the contents of her stomach. Alex sat down next to her and gently rubbed circles on her back.

“It’ll be okay Iz,” he said quietly. “Not right away, but in time. And until then, we’re all here to help you.”

She didn’t reply, but felt somewhat comforted by his words and touch. She was especially surprised to hear those kind words from Alex. They stayed there for fifteen more minutes before she brought herself to her feet, flushed her toilet, and spoke.

“Thank you Alex. I’m going to bed now, goodnight.”

“Night Iz.” He sighed and went back to the room he was staying in.

* * *

A few hours later the interns had to be at the hospital for rounds. They all dragged themselves out of bed, leaving Izzie a note and some aspirin for the hangover headache she’d probably have when she woke up. They debated if someone should stay home with her, but they figured she’d sleep most of the morning and someone could come home at lunch to check on her.

At the hospital, Bailey addressed the interns. “I know last night was hard for all of you and we’re an intern short today, but we have to do our best.” She handed out their assignments for the day.

* * *

Izzie woke up a little after eleven that morning. She found her friends’ note, took some aspirin, and then had an idea. It was the only thing she wanted to get out of bed for. The only thing she wanted to do was to go see Denny. Well, Denny’s body. As Alex had pointed out, Denny had stopped being “Denny” when his heart stopped beating. Still, all she wanted to do was crawl into bed with him and lie next to his body, the way she had done just after he died.

She remembered reading a short story in her 12th grade English class where a woman’s lover died and she kept his body in her house and slept next to him every night for years, until her own death. At the time, Izzie thought it was weird and that the lady was crazy, but suddenly it made some sense to her. Not enough sense to make her want to do it, but she could understand why the woman did it. She knew that sleeping next to his body would never be a good enough substitute for actually having Denny with her.

She wanted to say a proper goodbye to him. She wanted to just see his body one more time. However, Denny’s body was in the morgue, in the basement of Seattle Grace and she was sure she’d get caught. But she had to give it a try. After all, how much more trouble could she get in? She was sure she was in enough trouble after her actions the day before.

Trying not to stand out, she threw on jeans, a sweater, sneakers, and a light jacket. She pulled her hair up in a bun and finished off her “disguise” with a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses.

A while later Izzie walked in to the hospital trying to keep her head down and go unnoticed, but not look suspicious either. She didn’t want to risk taking the elevator and seeing someone she knew so she took the stairs down to the basement, not thinking about the security cameras they had down there.

Addison stopped by the nurses’ station to pick up a chart for one of her patients and she couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two of the nurses, who appeared to be watching a television screen.

“I should call security, right?” the first nurse asked.

“The person seems to be a young woman and it doesn’t look like she’s doing anything wrong, but she shouldn’t be down there, so I think we have to call,” the other nurse replied.

“Wait!” Addison jumped into the conversation. “Can I see that?”

The nurses nodded and she looked at the monitor, and then sighed. “I know who it is. I’ll go get her before anyone else notices. Don’t call security. I’ve got it.”

She hurried to the elevator and took it to the basement.

Izzie froze as she heard high heels coming closer.

Addison pushed the door open. “Dr. Stevens,” she stated firmly, “you know you shouldn’t be down here. What the hell were you thinking? You’re in enough trouble already for yesterday’s events!”

Izzie took a deep breath and turned to face Addison. Her trip now seemed pointless; she hadn’t even had the courage to look at Denny’s body anyway.

“Dr. Shepherd, I’m sorry. I didn’t even touch anything, I promise. Please don’t tell anyone.” Her voice was shaky and Addison could see how frightened and upset she was.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs,” she said softly.

“How did you know it was me?” Izzie asked once they were in the elevator.

Addison smiled at that question. “Well, first of all you wore sunglasses.”

Izzie looked at her blankly.

“And it’s raining,” Addison finished. “So the person was obviously trying to hide. And usually no one wants to visit the morgue.”

Izzie managed a weak smile when she realized her silly mistake with the weather.

They stepped out of the elevator.

“Um…well, goodbye –“ Izzie started.

“Oh no, you are not off the hook yet.”

“Please don’t take me to the Chief.” Tears filled her eyes. “I can’t handle that right now.”

“No, no, come with me for a few minutes, just to talk,” Addison said soothingly.

Izzie obeyed, following Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd to a nearby on-call room.

Addison locked the door behind them to ensure privacy and they sat down in chairs opposite each other.

“First, I have to ask a selfish question.” She paused. “Did Meredith say anything about Derek last night after prom? He’s been acting weird, and so has she.”

Izzie shook her head. “No.”

“Okay. Well, I can assume you’re having a very hard time right now. It’s still no excuse to sneak into the morgue, but we can keep that between the two of us. I thought you might need someone to talk to, since your friends are at work and I have some free time. And maybe I can convince you to come back. You’re very talented and we’d all hate to lose you.”

She shook her head again and started crying. “I don’t know. I can’t seem to do anything right anymore, I keep making horrible mistakes. I cut the L-VAD wire. I pretty much killed Denny who I loved…even though I technically shouldn’t have even been with him in the first place. Then I got drunk and I set Meredith’s stove on fire and snuck in to a morgue…” She trailed off.

Addison raised her eyebrows. “You set Meredith’s stove on fire?!”

“Yea. It’s fine now though, George put the fire out.” She rested her head against the back of the chair and Addison noticed how pale and fragile she looked.

“When was the last time you ate something?”

Izzie shrugged. “Before prom I guess.”

Addison got up, opened a drawer, and pulled out a bag of pretzels.

Izzie shook her head in refusal.

“Yes,” Addison ordered. “You need to take care of yourself.” Her tone softened. “I know it’s hard,” she said quietly. She reached in to her pocket and pulled out a worn, wrinkled piece of paper and handed it to Izzie.

 Izzie read the words written on it:

  
 _Well I know what you're thinking_  
 _When you can't take it_  
 _You can make it_  
 _Sometime soon I know you'll see_

_Let live and let live forget and forgive_  
 _It's all how you see it_  
 _And just remember keep it together_  
 _Don't you know you're never alone_

_No you're not defeated_  
 _And soon you'll be smiling once again_  
 _Then you won't have to feel it_  
 _Let it go with the wind_  
 _Time passes us by_  
 _And know that you're allowed to cry_  
  
 _'cause when you're in your darkest hour_  
 _And all of the light just fades away_  
 _When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray_  
 _Well hang on and be strong_

“Song lyrics?” She questioned.

Addison nodded. “Back in New York, about a year before the Mark thing, I gave birth to a stillborn baby boy.” Her eyes teared up at the memory, but she continued, “I was a complete wreck for weeks.”

Izzie stared at her, unable to imagine the strong woman sitting in front of her being a mess like she was.

“I didn’t think I’d be able to pull myself back together. But I did, and you can too. You can’t blame yourself for Denny’s death and you can’t let it stop you from living the rest of your life.”

I’m sorry about your son. I never knew…”

“It’s okay. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“I won’t say anything,” Izzie promised.

Addison nodded. “Thanks. So, Derek gave me this paper and he said that whenever I felt sad I should look at these lyrics and remember how strong I was, and to remember how much he loved me and always will.” She wiped her eyes.

Izzie wiped her own eyes. “That’s really sweet.”

“Yea. That’s the kind of guy Derek used to be.” She took a breath. “I want you to hold on to that. I think you need it more than I do right now.”

“I couldn’t,” Izzie replied, “it means too much to you and Dr. Shepherd.”

“Used to,” Addison corrected, shaking her head. “Things haven’t been the same since Mark, and Meredith, and everything else that’s gone on.”

“Okay. Thank you Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, really.”

Addison smiled and nodded. “You’re welcome. I hope it helps.” She knew that a piece of paper wouldn’t help, but she hoped it would symbolize that people cared, and that might help.

“And if you ever want it back…” Izzie started.

“I’ll ask,” Addison finished, smiling. “So, you take some time to get things back together and when you’re ready, maybe in a week or two, call me. Meredith knows the number. And I’ll set up a meeting with the Chief.”

“Do you really think he’ll take me back?”

“There will have to be some kind of consequences, but he definitely wants you back. He’s giving it a month before he tries to replace you, so take some time, but just not longer than a month, okay?”

“Okay.” Izzie attempted to smile and it was the most genuine smile she’d given since Denny died.

* * *

Later that day Meredith and George came home, bringing Alex with them because he was worried about Izzie.

When they walked in they saw her eating cookies that she’d made. She was in her pajamas, curled up under a blanket on the couch. One of Meredith’s mother’s surgery tapes was playing on the television. She wasn’t watching though; she had fallen asleep.

None of them wanted to wake her, but they thought she should know they were back.

Alex shook her. “Izzie?”

She slowly woke up. “Alex?” She asked groggily.

“Yea, I’m just letting you know we’re all back now.”

“Okay.” She rolled over again to go back to sleep, but then she lifted her head up.

“Alex?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Thank you for everything.”

He smiled. “No problem.”

“And Mer?” She added.

“Yea Iz?”

“About Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, she’s not Satan. She might even be a guardian angel.”

Meredith smiled, slightly confused. “That’s good. We could all probably use a guardian angel some days.”

The three interns went in to the kitchen for some of Izzie’s cookies.

None of them knew about Izzie’s visit to the hospital and wondered what had caused the change in her attitude.

Meanwhile, Izzie stared at the ceiling, thinking about how lucky she was to have such good friends. She couldn’t wait to tell them that she had decided to come back to Seattle Grace in a few weeks. She knew she would miss Denny for a long time and she was sure she’d cry over him every night for a while. But she knew she was strong and in time she would heal.


End file.
